"Keep Your Head Up Lauren!" Is all I hear latly. It's driven me nuts. I've changed again but not for the good. Im caring about what people think, Im trying to help people other then myself, Im keeping things in not telling anyone anything, Im distancing myself from people. I dont know what to do. This economy sucks, I hate living the way I do and I try to help myself but TRYING isn't good enough. I need to start DOING things the way I use to do. Most the time when I want something bad enough I work my ass off to get it. Now I TRY fail and say "fuck it". I hate doing it but latly thats all I been doing.

But thats all gonna stop soon. This Thursday im going to a school for orienation to become an LPN. If everything goes good Ill be starting school for that in April. 1700 hrs+ I would have to do to become an nurse but its all worth it. Im having problems on deciding on what I want to do. I love helping people so being a nurse would be nice for me but ive always had the dream to become an hair stylist cause I love making people beautiful. Im thinking about just doing one for now then do the other... I can do both I know I can.

Other things that are bothering me is me. Im still overweight but I like myself but not love myself the way someone should. I could care less about me and I show it to everyone which bothers people but thats just me. I need to go to the hostpial and get checked out for all the things that are wrong with me but Im scared to be admitted again. I need to take care of myself and do things for myself but doctors just make me mad. They dont tell me I have cancer or anything but everytime I go to the doctors something is wrong with me...PCOS, Diabetes, Hypertension a heart murmur, some other long names I dont know how to pronounce or spell. I get scared and walk out. But i know its all my fault. Some of it cause if I was smart I wouldnt smoke and make my lungs worse and put stress on my heart but Its the only thing i know how to do right now. Eventually I want to stop smoking everything. But trying to find a job and seeing I cant help my mom or my family or anybody gets me down all the time. Smoking is alot better then what I used to do...Cutting yep I was a cutter. People say people that do that are stupid and selfish ...blahblahblah.... No cutting is stupid, the reasons we do it is not. Stress kills. It really does. People say theres other things to relieve it, yeah there is, some other ways dont help other people. Ive found something that helps. Writin Poetry, i havent cut or wrote poetry in awhile which is my problem. Smoking helps too. I use to cut to know that Im the only person that could hurt myself. Noone else can. Its more then skin deep. Now I have scars, ugly ass ones that I have to use cover up to cover them up now. I dont regret doing it cause I dont regret nothing. I lost friends and trust from people doing it. That was my lesson. I hurt many people not helped people. So I stopped. I dont encourage it by anymeans, but people do stupid things til they grow up. I thank god that I didnt die from it. I want to do alot of things that I love to do still. I want to fall in love and finish my goals. Thats the only thing keeping me going. Plus some other people that are there for me, Like my bestfriend Sam, we have fights but in the end shes there. My ex is there for me, My mother is there and some people I dont even know. Some people that have touched my heart with the things they say. Some people from myspace that ill love to meet and give them a hug for just being there and listening to my bullshit, this kid travis. Hes amazing. Says things that mean something to me. I wake up repeating some things too. If i remember :( but most the time I do. Jon a kid that i met in 06 :) I miss him very much. We met and never was away from eachother for more then 2 days. we went to great lengths to be there for eachother. If it wasnt for him I would still be in an abusive relationship. He showed me how men are suppose to act. Hittin and puttin eachother down is not what people do. He saved my life. I miss him so much never a day I not think about the dudes that treat me like a woman and not a whore. Thanks Jon, Travis, Shane, and Sean.  Theres days I think no1 is there for me but theres always someone. Thats whats keeping me alive right now....

 

 

Since its ThanksGiving...I'm going to write what I'm thankful for. Im thankful for my Mother, and Sisters...I love them, we fight alot cause of our differences but nomatter what problems I runn into, the wrong choices I make. Im also thankful for my friends... Samantha, Ricky, Shane, Brent, Sean, Ashlieu Etc. Im Thankful for the U.S. getting a black man in office...Look at the gas prices theyre going down!!! Whose giving more money too people that need it...

 It's the 21st century and everyone has changed. No One can stay together nomore. People say ILOVEYOU just to say it. Never meaning it. People cheat cause they want something better. Nothing is ever good enough. People are picky. I recently watched a Tyler Perry Movie "Why did I marry my Wife?"... Theres this remark about people cheating...20%-80%. People have it all, happiness, love, support which is 80%. When cheating they go for the 20%...Looks, money etc... I don't know why looks are so IMPORTANT! If you love someone you love them for them, Nomatter how much they change when your with them, no matter how many problems they have, you go through thick and thin... Relationships last longer that wayy.

Im single, young and still believe love doesnt exist. My first real boyfriend treated me like shit, Physically, emotionally etc. It was the worst 15months of my life sometimes. We had good things happen, Bad things happen. I tried to make it work but no one should be treated like shit and be cheated on. I acted like a wife, I made sure his bills were paid, dinner was made, work clothes were washed etc...

My recent bf I cheated on him. I feel bad and wished I didnt, But yet again he wasn't really a bf. I thought of him as a real good friend/fuck buddy. I want someone to push me, love me for me and never give up. Someone strong like me, someone that can be serious then hilarious when needed. I want hugs and kisses when I do something great.

But since it doesn't exist it'll never happen....